One Last Time

Kellie Pickler's One Last Time

I wanna lay in your bed
Stare in your eyes
Feel your heart beating with mine
One Last Time...
One Last Time...

There won't be any tears
That's not why I'm here.
Baby, turn out the lights and lets disappear.
One Last Time...
One Last Time..

I'm not here to fight
About who's wrong or right
I just want your kiss
I wanna feel just like this
One Last Time...
One Last Time...

Your breath on my neck
I dont wanna forget the smell of your skin.
Touch me again.
One Last Time...


Cause I'm not here to fight
About who's wrong or right
I just want your kiss
I want to feel just like this.
One Last Time...
One Last Time...

And then when you fall asleep
I'll kiss your cheek
Whisper goodnight
I'll just leave
One Last Time.

I actually said a lot of these words last night, and meant every single one. I wanted to be held, kissed and loved one last time. And I was. Now it's over, for good and I'm not really sure how I'm going to move on, but I have to find a way.

I knew that this would be the last time I saw him, but somehow seeing him and actually seeing the words come out of his mouth made them easier to believe. I'm sitting here both crushed and relieved. It's such an odd mix of emotions and I'm not really sure how to handle them.

I have always thought that leaving my marriage would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, this experience has proved me wrong. Losing him is the hardest thing I've had to do. I think part of that is because I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I simply cannot be his friend right now. I'm just not in a place to push aside my love for him. This means that goodbye was really goodbye. We won't be talking on the phone, emailing, g-chatting, or sending tweets to each other. This is the end.

Now I just have to find a way to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and move on

Not much to blog about...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while...I'm running low on motivation for blogging.

Running has been pushed to the side at least until this weekend. I tore my hamstring last week and it hurt like hell! I'm happy to report that it is already feeling much better. I'm hoping to be able to run with my Team In Training team on our first group run this Saturday. It's only 3 miles, so I should be able to knock it out quickly.

Practices for the St. Louis Lawyers Association Gridiron are in super full swing, and the show is this Friday at the Chase. The dances are coming together nicely, I'm actually singing backup in a song, and have purchased most of what I need for costumes. I still need a few odds & ends like a cowboy hat (checking WalMart before practice tonight), and cute white tank (Target, maybe?), and a suit that I can rumple/rip up for the dance to Biller, our rendition of MJ's Thriller. I just have to make a final decision on what I'm wearing to the cocktail party & dinner. Trick to that is I'll be with my co-workers, bosses, and my MOM which means whatever I do wear needs to be a bit on the conservative side since I'll be showing enough skin with my dance costumes!

And as a follow-up to my last post. He is in town, and I made the decision to spend time with him. We've had a great time and no matter what, I'm glad we've had this time together. I went into this expecting nothing, which is a totally different than the expectations I've had previously. If this is it, then it's done. If something more happens, it happens. I'm really just trying to live in the moment and enjoy the last little bit of time we have together. Thank you all for the heart-felt comments you left. I appreciated each and everyone.

Now it's time for me to get the heck out of dodge & get my butt to Gridiron practice (I'll have lots of pictures from the show next week!).

How do you move on?

I like to think that I've come a long way since I ended my marriage in May 2008; nights like tonight make me realize that I still have a lot of healing to do.

I'm a big enough person to admit that a large part of why I got married was a fear of being alone. I wanted someone to share my life with. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to be a mother. Most of all, I wanted to be loved. When I met Brian, I was able to ignore a lot of warning signs because I thought he was the solution to the things I wanted and thought I needed in my life.

This might be the very first time I've ever said this to someone else: My getting married was a direct result of my fear of loneliness.

After I left, my life felt like it was in shambles, but for the most part I was able to pick up the pieces and move on relatively quickly. At least on the outside. Inside I was still a wreck. I thought picking up my life and moving to another part of the country was a solution, and it still maybe, but the timing wasn't right so I stayed in St. Louis and eventually moved into a beautiful apartment to begin to start a new life.

In many ways, I am in a better place. But my heart is still in pieces and I'm still vulnerable.

Earlier this year I let a man into my heart again which is something I didn't know was possible anymore. It felt great. Even though I was alone because of the physical distance between us, I wasn't alone since there was a man out there that loved me. During the course of our relationship he decided to try to make things work with his ex-girlfriend, twice. Each time I understood his reasoning and respected his decisions. Eventually, he picked me.

The distance between us proved too much and in June he told me we could no longer continue our relationship. Eventually I started dating someone else without telling him, which was wrong of me. It was wrong of me to date someone while another man had my heart and it was wrong of me not to tell the person I was in love with that I had started dating.

Now I'm the one not dating and he is. In fact he's been dating a woman for a while now and we have tried to continue our friendship. The catch is, he's moved past his feelings for me and I haven't been able to do the same. We still talk everyday and recently I found out he is coming to St. Louis for a business trip. He'll literally be staying one block from my office. This news opened up the flood gates of my emotions all over again.

I foolishly let myself think that maybe, just maybe his coming here would lead to something more between us. Today, I realized that I was just fooling myself. He cares about his new girlfriend just like any good boyfriend does and this means there's no longer a place for me in his heart.

I think I've known all along that she has indeed replaced me as the person he has romantic feelings for, but our frequent communication keep me hoping there was still a place for me. Even if I came second.

I didn't need to be first. I just needed to know that somewhere someone still loved me. This reality hit me hard today. I have once again fallen to settling just to feel like there is someone that cares about me.

I'm hurt. I feel broken. I'm angry at him. But most of all I'm furious with myself.

I'm right back where I was 4 1/2 years ago. I'm sitting here feeling like I've made no progress at all and I'm not sure how to pick up these broken pieces and move on.

I'm scared to see him when he's here for a couple of reasons. I'm afraid that it will completely break me when he leaves. I'm afraid there's the possibility that something will happen between us that I won't be able to live with. Yet at the same time I'm terrified not to see him. Maybe sitting down and talking this thing through face-to-face will give me the closure I so desperately need.

I don't know what to do. What I do know is that I'm tired of hurting and that somehow I need to make myself believe that I'm worth more than second place.

Week #1

You all know that I'm now training for the Go! St. Louis Marathon. My training officially started TODAY! I've decided to post my weekly training schedule on here, both for my own accountability and for anyone who wants to use it to train for a marathon. My plan is when I post the next week, to go through and note my successes and failures ('cause I'm sure there will be some) of the previous week. I'm also going to be posting my weekly goals.

I'm training at a Level 2 which is for those that have been exercising three to four times a week and plan to run or run/walk the the race. If anyone is interested in having me post the schedules for Level 1 (little to no exercise/week) or Level 3 (exercising 4 or more times/week and plan to run the race) let me know!

Here it goes:

11/8: 3 miles
1/9: Rest Day
11/10: 2-3 miles
11/11: Rest Day
11/12: 3 miles
11/13: Rest Day
11/14: 3 miles

Total miles: 11-12miles

*Note - I am currently training for a half marathon on 12/5 so I am actually running more than this mileage but am just posting the full training schedule for consistancy.

Weekly goal: Work on nutrition by brining my lunch to the office everyday. This will keep me from being tempted to order an unhealthy option and as an added bonus will save me anywhere from $50-$75!!!

Shoe Love

I'd never heard of 6 pm.com before yesterday, but the site was flying all over the blog-o-sphere. I was delighted to read that they were putting ALL of their Nine West shoes on sale for $19.95 starting at midnight on October 30th. I actually set an alarm on my phone as a reminder in case I forgot (as if I'd forget about a shoe sale).

As I was heading out for Gridiron practice last night, I hopped on Twitter (yes I was tweeting & driving) to read a tweet from Sarah that the sale was starting right then. Which would have been completely awesome had I been at home, but I was bummed because I knew I'd be gone for several hours. As luck would have it 6pm still had tons of great styles in my size when I could finally sit in front of my computer.

Here are my purchases...

Nine West Monterrey

Nine West Gaffer

Nine West Gohana

Nine West Begin

Nine West Barb

Nine West Rocha

Nine West Jabs

What do you think?? I'm super happy with all of them. I never find my size (10.5) on sale - and I was able to score 7 pairs of fabulous heels for under $150 with 3 day shipping!!!

Lauren

You may remember that this past Saturday I went to Lauren and Mike's house to do her makeup for a wedding they were attending. Here's some pics!

Big thanks to Mike for the gorgeous pictures (and to Lauren for being the beautiful model!). If you're getting married and are looking into calligraphy, I can't recommend LMC Calligraphy enough. Mike's work is just beautiful and he and Lauren are a joy to work with!!

The Big 26.2

Yep - that's right, I've now committed myself to running a full freaking marathon. That's 26.2 miles my friends!!! I'm not going to lie - that's a very scary number. In March 2009 I could barely run a mile and now I'm planning to run 26 of 'em. I'm terrified of staying motivated through a St. Louis winter - running in cold, rain & snow just doesn't sound fun to me. I know myself all to well, without a support system staying in bed would totally win out.

Sarah was the first person that mentioned Team in Training to me - honestly I'd never even heard of the group before. That got me thinking and I started talking to more and more people who shared success stories of training with TNT. I read about their mission and I began to get excited about the possibility that I could be a part of this group and help raise funds for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society while completing a huge personal goal.

Last night I attended an informational meeting and decided to sign up with the Gateway Chapter of TNT to run the Go! St. Louis Marathon. By agreeing to be part of the team, I have committed myself to raising $1,700 before the race, but my personal goal is to raise at least $2,500.

That means I'm going to need your help! I figure I have almost 300 followers/subscribers of this blog, 150 facebook friends, and almost 900 twitter followers. While I realize that some of you fall under all three of those categories, just think how much I could raise if each one of you donate just $5 or $10!!! Click here to go to my personal fundraising site or you can click on the cool little widget on my sidebar. I understand that times are tough for a lot of families right now, even if you can't donate, you can help me out by sharing the link to my page and helping me to spread the word!

In addition to on-line donations, I'll be hitting you up to participate in a trivia night. I'd also like to team up with some local St. Louis businesses/restaurants to figure out some sort of fundraiser. If any of you own a local business and think you may be interested, please let me know and we'll figure something out. And if any of you own or work for a company that would be interested in a corporate sponsorship, please let me know.

A dear friend and co-worker of mine is currently battling leukemia - and I will be running in his honor. If you have a little extra time, stop by Bob's CaringBridge site and send him some well wishes - it would me a lot to me, and even more to him!!!

Thank you all for your help and support - I'm very much looking forward to this journey!

CupcakeProject Photo Shoot

Sorry for the second post today, but Stef over at CupcakeProject just posted the pics from yesterday's shoot.

Big thanks to Stef for asking me to be a part of this and to her husband, J. Pollack Photography, for the great pictures.

Quick weekend update

I can't believe it's Monday already...I really wasn't ready to be back in the office just yet. This weekend was both really busy & relaxing.

Friday I met up with Joline, went to MAC & Sephora with her so she could pick up some new colors. I was good...I only got 2 things! Then I did her makeup and we hit up Bailey's Chocolate Bar. I'd never been there before but it was awesome. My favorite of the night was my sorbet mojito martini. If you like mojitos I definitely recommend that you give this martini a try!!!

Saturday I slept in and then went for a nice run after that I headed to Lauren & Mike's house to do her makeup for a wedding that they were attending that night. After that I went home and relaxed for a few hours before heading to Paste Crafts to take part in the Needles for Newborns, a 24 hour knit-a-thon to make things for the babies in the NICU. I went planning on just chatting and hanging out, but I ended up knitting a baby bonnet - it's not the cutest thing ever, but I felt pretty darn accomplished when I finished it.

After I knitted the bonnet, I picked up some super soft & fluffy ivory wool yarn and started to make myself a scarf. It's progressing pretty darn good and I hope to have it finished before the weekend!!
Sunday I slept in again (I never sleep in 2 days in a row and it was wonderful!!) then checked out some YouTube tutorials on making a fauxhawk! I'm thinking of trying it out for a Halloween costume (which is still TBD). It was a goth kind of day for me, because later that day I headed out to do the makeup for CupCakeProject's vampire photo shoot. The rest of the day was filled with resting, working, and working out.

The big news is that as of today my new website is officially up & running. I'm still having trouble updating my Picasa album that I'm using as a portfolio, but I'll get that figured out eventually.

Tonight I'm attending a meeting at Big River Running Co. to get some information on Team in Training, which I'm thinking about using to do the Go! St. Louis Marathon in April. I'm a bit nervous about training for a full throughout the winter and this that this might be the accountability that I need to keep going.

Hope everyone is having a great Monday!

Things are moving along!!

Looks by JLW is starting off pretty darn well! I have already booked 2 weddings for 2010 - and I seriously couldn't be more excited! I also just purchased my business cards and registered my own domain name. Now I just need to hire someone to design my site for me because that's well beyond my capabilities!

Here are my cards - what do you think???





I love the fun zebra print and the bright blue color. I should have them in my hot little hands by Monday!!! YEAH!!

And the offer for a free session still applies. Let me know if you have a special occasion or just a fun night out coming up and want your makeup done!